My New Cellmate is a Jerk

I had reservations about going to prison. When I informed the judge that I was somewhat wary of the notoriously poor prison food and the spectre of being anally raped by burly men he sort of looked at me funny and said that having reservations about prison was kind of the idea. If it was a pleasant place people wouldn't fear it and wouldn't worry about being sent there. That made sense I must admit. So I said to the judge, "that makes sense you cocksucker."

Somehow that didn't come out in the whimsical way in which I intended it to and the judge was not amused, adding more months to my sentence on the spot. I then asked if it were possible to request a cell with an ocean view. He did find that whimsical but refused to reduce my sentence, even when I told him my attorney would give him a blowjob.

My attorney quit soon afterwards, as I had not mentioned that part of my plan ahead of time.

When I got to my cell I was relieved to see that my cellmate was about the same size as me, and also seemed to share a fondness for facial hair. He said we should become best friends and to start off on the right foot I agreed when he said we should immediately have a handlebar mustache growing contest. I found that to be a super idea, cause it would be fun to pass the time and I bet it would make us a big hit around the cell-block, cause who doesn't love a handlebar mustache?

I had visions of the other prisoners giving us friendly nods and talking about us as we sauntered by in the shower..."hey, there go the handlebar mustaches guys...they're pretty cool."

Those dreams were dashed when my new cellmate informed me that since there was no mustache wax in jail, we would have to use semen to shape our staches. I did not find that idea all too pleasant but before I could object he pulled out his penis and immediately started jerking off, telling me through heaving breaths that he would let me have the first load since it was my first day.

I was finished shaving before he ejaculated, and told him I would not be a part of his contests anymore. He said he would not be my best friend if that was the case, and I said that's fine. Why would I want a best friend whose face smells?