Climb Every Mountain

I used to be shy at cocktail parties, felt like I didn't have anything interesting to say when people started bragging about their jobs, or spouses or children. So I thought I would sound more interesting if I said I had recently been raped.

Some jerk I didn't even know was standing near the fridge waiting for his hot pocket to heat up in the microwave and he started saying how he climbed Mt. Everest last year, thinking he was even hotter shit than his hot pocket. I put down the Tang mix and said, "Oh yeah? Well I climbed it last year too...twice...and I was raped by my Sherpa the second time."

That seemed to stun the assembled guests and I could tell that I had topped Captain Asshole's lame ass "I climbed Everest story once" right away.

After I heard someone murmur, "Who the fuck is that?" I continued with my awesome story to impress them even further.

"That's right, climbed it twice and right after I planted my flag on the summit my Sherpa knocked me down and planted his pole right into my asshole. He said it was revenge for my stealing his mittens earlier. My hands were nice and warm but I tell you my ass never felt hotter then when he started poking around back there!"

I paused to let the laughter die down but when I saw that no laughter had even started I hastily continued.

"So I guess you could say I joined the mile high club that day, and I didn't even get on a plane. Not many people can say that."

The microwave beeped and the guests seemed to take that as an excuse to leave the kitchen en mass. I was feeling pretty good about my story until a few weeks later when I received an email from my Sherpa in which he said he was going to sue my ass off for defaming him, and that he had never raped me, even though I did in fact steal his best mittens.

I was pretty shocked by that. How the fuck did he find out I had been spreading rumors about him being a rapist? Still I thought it a harmless little tale and replied as much, saying that by suing me he was figuratively raping me at least, and we should be even steven.

He replied that if he got a reputation as a rapist no one would want to use him to go to the top of the mountain.

I said you might be wrong about that, cause I found the contrast between the exhilaration of reaching the summit of the world's highest mountain and the degradation of being molested by a little brown man at the same time to be a rather unique experience, and one that made for an interesting story.

He agreed, but asked only that I change the story around so that I was raping him, thinking he could use the sympathy card to drum up more clients. A wily one that Sherpa!