Death by Coconut

I saw a man on the television who had won the lottery the other day. He said he was going to keep his job. Why was he not immediately shot? Is that not what our government is for?

Others say things like were they to win they would eat steak three times a day. Are not such sentiments worthy of death?

I would not limit my diet to steak, but instead would spend my winnings on a wide variety of foods, and whores.

What if I were married of course? How unfortunate that would be. I'm glad I turned that Turkish girl down. She would have payed me to marry her too, but she was no longer in her teens, and that meant that when i was 60, she would be 58 or so, and that seems unpleasant. Would I want a 58 year old to watch over me as I approach death?

She didn't even own a camel farm. On my deathbed I'd like to be regaled with stories of camel races in days past, while gazing upon someone beautiful. I'd like my wife to move my deathbed to the sea, but I doubt such an old woman would have the strength for that, even if I slept on an air mattress and was emaciated with disease.

Hence my refusal to marry her. I need a strong woman, or at least one pretty enough to convince stronger people to carry me as I lay dying to the sea. With my last breaths I can cast my eyes to the sky and see the palm trees silhouetted against the deep blue expanse, the sun warming my body. I'd have some coconut milk brought to me by my young wife/concubine, who would smile at me, cause although she might miss me, soon she would inherit all I had.

Was I poisoned? It was worth it.

The milk is sweet on my tongue and I lick my lips as I gaze upon her brown skin dappled with ocean spray.

Jan Michael and the Nuns

I think I saw Jan Michael Vincent on the bus today. He looked tanned, rested and homeless. I'm pretty sure it was Jan Michael, as amazing as it seems to have a mega-legend like him on the bus. Maybe mega-legend is an overstatement, but I don't want to use the phrase washed up degenerate. He looked kind of filthy, but not so bad.

Come to think of it maybe it wasn't Jan Michael at all. Would baby jesus allow Jan Michael to fall so low as to ride the bus instead of being driven around in a Ferrari by some model who doesn't wear panties while she drives?

It reminds me of my high school yearbook quote. A lot of kids wrote something stupid like, "DRAFT BEER NOT SOLDIERS", or quoted some lame ass band, "Every rose has it's thorn...". I bet they looked back years later and thought, "Jesus I was so fucking lame. No wonder I had no friends and my parents got divorced and that kid hit me in the face with that brick. I could have put anything under my photo, and I picked something so unoriginal. Maybe I should have committed suicide as a sophomore after all."

Well I didn't want that to happen to me, so I made sure to pick something profound, and that would stand the test of time, and so I resorted to scripture. I was kind of busy when the deadline to submit quotes was coming around, as one of my neighbors was in the habit of sunbathing topless in her backyard, and so I just flipped open the bible and scribbled down a random quote.

"...behold now, I have two daughters, which have not known man, let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes; only unto those men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." Genesis 19: 7-8

I thought it looked kind of neat under my yearbook picture. Not that I believed in god or anything, that's pretty stupid, but I thought a bible quote was classy. My educators didn't think so, they were pretty upset and wanted to have me expelled, but how could they since I quoted the good book, even if the quote was about Lot wanting to pacify a bunch of dudes who wanted to sodomize angels, and he offered his virgin daughters to be raped instead.

It's a funny book the bible, after the controversy that surrounded my quote I actually went and read the next couple of pages of scripture, and found out that Lot's daughters got him drunk and took turns having sex with him until he impregnated them both.

The priests and nuns were kind of embarrassed when I asked questions about this.

They seemed upset when I said that I didn't think there really was a god either, cause I thought I'm not a god, but I could do a better job of making a world if I was.

"And how would you do that?"

"Well for one, you wouldn't be in it."

That was a pretty funny comeback, but man did it make those nuns and priests angry.

Pablo goes to rehab

I went to rehab today. I'm not addicted to anything, but I just felt like succeeding at something. So I walked in and sat on those crummy plastic chairs they had assembled an introduced myself. Everyone said, "Hi Sebastian!" back, real loud like. It felt kind of odd since my name isn't Sebastian, but I wasn't going to give that bunch of weak-willed degenerates my real name. The counselor, who was wearing a V-neck, and consequently immediately earned my distrust, started talking but I interrupted him cause I wanted to get home to watch Spanish television. I just started waving my hands wildly and saying I, "was gonna kick this shit cold!"

Everyone seemed real impressed at how fervent I was, and I can tell I was exuding confidence, even though I don't even know what "shit" I was referring too. A couple of the addicts even started to cry so I just stood up and yelled, "I'm kicking this shit! And it's because of your support brothers!"

I walked out hurriedly, vowing not to return til I was sure I would never foul my body with that shit again.

A week later I walked back in and they all fell silent and looked at me as I grabbed an empty chair and sat down. I smiled broadly..."kicked it everyone. No fucking problem."

They started to applaud and it made me feel awesome, and the counselor started to talk again but I put my hand up as if to say, "shut your fucking mouth asshole."

And I stood and looked down at my chair and said, "Now that I've kicked the shit that was doggin me, we should all do something about these chairs. These chairs are pretty crappy. We should get better chairs in here, even though I'm not coming back cause I've kicked my the shit that was holding me down. You addicts should have better chairs though."

They all looked at me and then one of the low-lifes said, "Yeah."

I walked over to him and pulled out a coupon from IKEA I had, thrusting it into his hand. "You be in charge...this gets you 10% off."

He stared at it as I walked away and then I stopped and said, "It expired 2 months ago, but if you start ballin' I'm sure they'll give it to you." I made for the door, "Hey, anyone know where the nearest Taco Bell is?"

The counselor started to give me directions but I gave him the finger and left.