Massage

I was feeling a little low so I went to a massage parlor in hopes of perking up. A young Asian girl led me into a little room and lay me down. I had heard the place provided happy endings and so when she asked in her broken English what I wanted I said I wanted one of those.

She nodded and immediately reached for my cock, which she began to stroke. I was rather shocked by this as she didn't look slutty at all. "What are you doing?" I asked.

She seemed surprised I was stopping her by holding her wrist. "You say you want happy ending yes?"

I nodded. "Sure I do, and I appreciate your efforts, but I don't see how you tugging on my dick is going to cure my cancer or bring my dog back from the dead. I don't think I'll be happy until those two issues are resolved."

She bit her lip in a cute befuddled way. "Not happy ending like that here. I jerk no?"

I shook my head. "That'll just make me tired and messy...and that doesn't sound too happy to me...I mean it's not like you rubbing my wang is going to make a genie come out to grant my wishes of a cancer cure and a dog who doesn't get run over by a laundry truck."

She started to slowly back away toward the door and I realized I was expecting too much from a strip mall shop named Shanghai Massage Happy Heaven. I left sad.

I like your uniform

I went to Catholic school as a boy. I wasn't religious, I just always had a fetish for girls in plaid skirts. It was a happy time, and I frequently showed up to school early and left late just so I could linger a little while longer among the Catholic school girls. I was in no hurry to grow up, and am glad to say I stopped to smell the roses while I was ascending into adulthood. By smell the roses I mean sniff the panties of the naughtier Catholic girls, who didn't always start too late, contrary to what certain portly Jewish troubadours might sing.

When I see Catholic school boys today I always see myself in their shoes, except for the ugly ones who I can't relate to at all. I sometimes stop to chat with them, and ask how things are doing, and if any of their classmates wear skirts shorter than the others.

They look at me funny and I get straight to the point, urging them to take advantage of of those catholic girls while they can, cause when you grow up to be a big boy they throw you in jail when you profess your admiration for the way they look in their uniforms.

Flowers

I went to the florist cause I saw on a sitcom the girl was really impressed when her guy got her flowers. I figured if I showed up with a dozen roses or something I would get fellatio, cause on the sitcom the girl and guy disappeared behind a door giggling and it seemed like she was ready to give him head, though you can't show that on regular TV so I had to just guess.

In any case I was all excited to give it a try but when I got to the flower shop I realized I didn't have a girl to give the flowers too. The florist was looking at me standing there with my money in my fist and asked if I needed help. It was then that I decided to eliminate the middle man, or in this case middle woman, who was actually young and seemed foreign, the two things I look for most in a girl.

Since I figured she wouldn't be too impressed with a gift of flowers, considering she is around them all day and probably gets an awesome discount, I thought she might be more keen to getting cash. I stuck the wad of bills in her face and asked if she would be so kind as to give me a blowjob.

That was the 4Th time I was arrested for solicitation, though I called it bargaining and getting to the point. The judge was not impressed with my "they're all whores" defense, and didn't care that I had asked for head so politely.

Arson is Fun!

I've always liked science, I guess that's why arson has always been my favorite crime. Simple assault with a deadly weapon is so crude, but when you put on a lab coat and goggles and take the time to mix chemicals and compounds in order to cause a massive combustion you get filled with a sense of awe and accomplishment.

I like to pretend I'm a professor and teaching a class when I set a building ablaze. Insurance fraud sounds so dull and lame, and you won't be so cool in prison among the murderers and bank robbers who always brag about their glamorous crimes. But if you commit your fraud by causing entire blocks of buildings to erupt in flame and burn to a million cinders then you can strut around the cell block like the prettiest peacock in the penitentiary. "Oh you shot a guy? Big deal. Any child with a finger and a thumb can pull a trigger and blow his best friends brains out in a tragic accident, but it takes knowledge and a love of science to put on cool goggles and mix chemicals and put them in just the right places so the building burns to the ground and the owners can cash in."

Those thoughts console me as I'm being pummeled and sodomized by the meaner inmates.

Bus Trip with my Girl

I was going through my girlfriend's purse on the bus the other day...by girlfriend I mean the woman who happened to be asleep in the seat next to me on the way to Kalamazoo. The way I saw it though, since there were a lot of empty seats and she chose to sit next to me, that kind of means she must have wanted to be with me, at least for the duration of the trip. Was it because I looked harmless and there was a weird bearded dude pissing himself in the back or was I looking sharp in my new hat?

Whatever the case, when she dozed off I thought I would be a good boyfriend and go through her purse so I could find out things about her, her likes and dislikes, so I could be a better mate, and we could have things to talk about when she woke up.

I found her vibrator. She was kind of shocked when she opened her eyes and saw it in my mouth. I tried to put her at ease by popping it out and saying the only reason I was sucking on it is cause I was thirsty and I didn't want to wake her and ask for change to buy a drink.

She just kind of froze and gritted her teeth. I then tried to brighten the situation by telling her that her toy was very juicy, and that is a sign of good health on her part. She snatched her purse back and started to rummage though it. "Where is my mace?" she asked.

I had already removed her mace and sold it to the drunk in the back, who was amusing himself with it. Anyway I figured she wouldn't need mace anymore cause now she had a boyfriend to protect her.

"Don't worry baby," I assured her, "I was watching some judo competition on tv last week, so you won't be needing mace. You want me to defend you from that drunk in the back? Just wait for him to attack and I'll use my judo."

She scratched my eyes and grabbed her vibrator back, which she then bonked me on the head with, causing the batteries to fly out and roll to the front of the bus.

She screamed but I tried to calm her down, even though my face was bleeding. "Don't worry about those batteries baby. Now that you have a boyfriend you won't need a sex toy anymore. Let's sell it to the drunk. I got a good price for the mace."

She screamed and scratched me again but the drunk had gotten wind of a possible vibrator purchase and came to my aid by spraying the mace. Unfortunately, most likely due to his inebriated state, his aim was off and the taste of her pussy in my mouth was replaced with mace taste. I started to gag but before I could vomit the bus jolted to a halt and I was seized by the driver who rudely tossed me off.

I suppose he didn't want his bus sullied with my sputum and so I found myself stranded on a lonely roadside, blinded and bleeding, 50 miles from Kalamazoo and single once again.

My New Cellmate is a Jerk

I had reservations about going to prison. When I informed the judge that I was somewhat wary of the notoriously poor prison food and the spectre of being anally raped by burly men he sort of looked at me funny and said that having reservations about prison was kind of the idea. If it was a pleasant place people wouldn't fear it and wouldn't worry about being sent there. That made sense I must admit. So I said to the judge, "that makes sense you cocksucker."

Somehow that didn't come out in the whimsical way in which I intended it to and the judge was not amused, adding more months to my sentence on the spot. I then asked if it were possible to request a cell with an ocean view. He did find that whimsical but refused to reduce my sentence, even when I told him my attorney would give him a blowjob.

My attorney quit soon afterwards, as I had not mentioned that part of my plan ahead of time.

When I got to my cell I was relieved to see that my cellmate was about the same size as me, and also seemed to share a fondness for facial hair. He said we should become best friends and to start off on the right foot I agreed when he said we should immediately have a handlebar mustache growing contest. I found that to be a super idea, cause it would be fun to pass the time and I bet it would make us a big hit around the cell-block, cause who doesn't love a handlebar mustache?

I had visions of the other prisoners giving us friendly nods and talking about us as we sauntered by in the shower..."hey, there go the handlebar mustaches guys...they're pretty cool."

Those dreams were dashed when my new cellmate informed me that since there was no mustache wax in jail, we would have to use semen to shape our staches. I did not find that idea all too pleasant but before I could object he pulled out his penis and immediately started jerking off, telling me through heaving breaths that he would let me have the first load since it was my first day.

I was finished shaving before he ejaculated, and told him I would not be a part of his contests anymore. He said he would not be my best friend if that was the case, and I said that's fine. Why would I want a best friend whose face smells?

Hot Dogs for Lunch

I was cooking for my kids the other day...man those kids say the darndest things sometimes...it's true they do....

So my youngest...little Tommy...looks up at me and says, "I LOVE HOT DOGS!"

I nod and say, "I know you do buddy!"

And he says, "I LOVE THEM CAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE PENISES!"

Now that's something you don't want your kid to say...that sort of spoils lunch...I didn't even ask if he thought hot dogs tasted like penises too...I didn't want to know his thoughts on that... sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

I pulled the plate from him and said, "Tommy...i think it's time you become a vegetarian."

Lesson learned! Don't cook naked in front of the kids...I mean I love it...love the freedom of cooking naked...so natural and beautiful...and it infuses the food with flavor...not in a gross pube way...but the effervescence of cooking free makes the food taste so good...

But it's not worth it when your kids says shit like that.

Happy ending to the story...not that kind of happy ending...after lunch i took Tommy to the adoption agency and they took him back no questions asked!

That was good news...I was worried they'd have a no return policy but when I pushed him to the secretary she just made me sign a quick form and I was out the door ...I guess they figure it's not good for the kids to hear things like "I no longer want this little freak cause he makes me feel bad about the way I cook."